The Power of Self-Compassion for Healing Anxiety

Navigating chronic anxiety is hard. What makes it even harder is when we beat ourselves up about it…

“Why am I like this?”

“What’s wrong with me?”

“Why do I feel so anxious all the time?”

“I shouldn’t feel this way.”

“I should be able to handle this.”

“Why can’t I just be normal?”

Believe me, I’ve been there and I get it. Chances are, you’re frustrated and fed up with feeling so damn anxious all the time. I have absolutely felt that way before, too, but the thing is, no amount of self-criticism makes the anxiety go away. The harder we are on ourselves, the worse we feel. We end up ‘feeling bad about feeling bad’. This adds in another (unnecessary) layer of suffering. So not only are you experiencing anxiety, but now you’re also feeling frustration, shame, embarrassment, anger or even sadness.

We all do this and it's normal, but what’s so important to understand is that anxiety is NOT your fault, and there isn’t anything wrong with you. Anxiety is the result of a dysregulated nervous system that has gotten stuck in survival mode. You’re not choosing to be anxious and having anxiety isn’t a sign of weakness.

Instead of getting caught up in self-criticism, try some self-compassion. Self-compassion is about treating yourself with acceptance, kindness, warmth and understanding - particularly in difficult circumstances. Self-compassion activates important brain areas that can help soothe anxiety, and it also helps you avoid the unnecessary suffering mentioned earlier that comes along with harshly judging or criticizing yourself when feeling anxious. Not only that, but research shows that people who are more self-compassionate are generally happier, have greater life satisfaction and better relationships, and are less anxious.

Try the following steps the next time you're feeling anxious:

1. Pause and gently acknowledge to yourself that you are experiencing anxiety (i.e. “I notice that I am feeling anxious right now”)

2. Take a moment to scan your body and notice where you are feeling the anxiety most intensely, perhaps in your chest or your stomach. Take note of what sensations are there.

3. Place a soothing, comforting hand on this part of your body. Through your hand, send love, kindness and compassion to the part of you that’s hurting and scared.

4. Remind yourself that you are not alone in your experience (i.e. "I’m not alone, others struggle with this too”). You might like to add in other kind phrases, like: "This isn't my fault", "I'm doing the best that I can", "Let me be kind to myself", or "Be gentle".

You can sit with this kind of practice for as long or as little as you’d like. There’s no right or wrong.

You may experience a reduction in your anxiety following this exercise, or you may not - either is okay. Try not to be too attached to any particular outcome. Focus instead on cultivating a sense of compassion for yourself and noticing what that feels like for you. Relating to your anxiety with self-compassion can help you make space for it, allowing it to be, rather than getting caught in a never ending struggle with it. Through self-compassion, you can learn to let go of internal struggles and connect more fully with the world around you.

For some, self-compassion might feel weird and uncomfortable when you first try it out. You might even find yourself resisting it. That's completely normal. Start with small doses and work your way up. The more you practice it, the more easily it will come.